Auto faucets

I hate automatic faucets. Most the time, they simply won’t turn on. I wave my hands in front of them, clap like a maniac, genuflect like a Catholic – nothing! I go down the line to other faucets till I find one that works. Then the water is either burning hot (in summer) or icy cold (in the winter). On top of those indignities, the thing stops before all the soap is off my hands. What is this technological piece of crap, to decide when I’ve had enough water? Am I not the better judge of that? Then I go to the auto towel dispenser, and it won’t do anything, either. You’re supposed to wave your hands in front of it, but I normally have to tap, punch, or kick it. Then with my newly sterile hands, I touch the plague-laden door handle to exit the room. What’s the sanitation value of all this, I ask you?

Trash Day

Trash day drives me crazy. You gotta have your trash out to the curb by 6am, or you miss the truck. So you wake up before 6 to haul it out there, or you have to put it out the night before. If you do that, the dogs and mongeese scatter it around the ‘hood. If it’s a holiday, it will run a day late – unless it doesn’t and you missed a whole week because they weren't in the mood. And how about recycling? I’m trying to be responsible, and keep Al Gore happy, but who knows what they do with that stuff – really? Are we sure they don’t just throw it in the pile with all the other stuff? Then they laugh at us, and spend our extra recycling fees on beer and pizza. On the positive side, I’m glad somebody takes it away and does something with it. The banana peels and tuna cans are smelling a bit ripe. Stinky!

Amanda Jones

Amanda Jones is the 109 year old black woman that Obama referenced in his acceptance speech. She is a woman of deep faith (according to NPR), with framed Bible verses all over the walls of her home. She believes in God, even though scores of horrible atrocities she has experienced could have removed that faith from her. She feels that God himself had a hand in this process, and that Barack’s election is a “blessing.” I agree with her. God bless you, Mrs. Jones, and rest well. God knows you have earned it.

One more week

One more week until the big election – what will we do after that to entertain ourselves? Run in fear, possibly, if the wrong person is elected. Honestly, though, our country has enough checks and balances built into it that we might not see a whole lot of difference right away. Let’s be honest too – a president really can’t do much, if his peeps aren’t behind him. George Carlin said there are enough crazies in California, Texas, and Wyoming to keep us entertained for years. Interesting days ahead, yo!

Idiopathic

The word idiopathic is medical-speak for “we don’t know.” Amazing to me that with all our toys, tools, and training – the answer is often still “dunno.” Add in a cool sounding word, and the inability to figure something out still sounds intelligent. “What would you do with the state of our economy, senator?” “Well Bob, I’m a little idiopathic on that right now.” “As president, what would you do about dependence on foreign oil?” “I would assemble all the geniuses, and determine the idiopathic response, Bob.” I like it! Let’s all try to use the word in casual conversation this week. For something so easy, it sounds really bright.

Overheard at the hospital:

Nurse 3: The wrinkly skin that covers the elbow is called the weenis.
Nurse 4: The what? The weenis?
Nurse 3: Yeah, the weenis. A very interesting part of the body. There are no nerves in the weenis. It doesn’t hurt if you injure it, or pull it.
(All the nurses started pulling on their elbow skin, to find out if that was true. So did I.)
Nurse 1: I can feel it when I pull on my weenis.
Nurse 3: I didn’t say you couldn’t feel it. I said it wouldn’t hurt.
Nurse 2: Wow, I pinched my weenis, and really couldn’t feel a thing!
Nurse 4: It hurts when I pinch my weenis.
Nurse 3: There’s no way – you have no nerves there. Maybe you can feel it, because you are pulling the skin around your weenis, and not just the weenis itself.
(Conversation accurate, but edited for space considerations)

Stiff drinks

Why has the cost of non-alcoholic drinks (soda and iced tea) gotten so expensive in restaurants? Most charge $1.60 and up now. Zios charges $2.19! A family of four could drop eight bucks before they even order food! Of course you could drink water, but why the high cost? I would guess that soda costs a restaurant less than a dollar a gallon, and iced tea must be even less. McDonalds’ has 42 oz. drinks for under a dollar, and most convenience stores do, too. I think it must be the terrorists. Everything is blamed on them now, or on one of the two political parties. I don’t want to argue politics, so let’s just agree that it must be the terrorists. This newest offense is an outrage! Where is John Wayne when we need him?