Pistols as tools

You probably heard about it on the news a while back. A man was arrested for using a pistol as a tool. The guy was installing a satellite dish, and used his gun to blast a hole through the wall of his home, to run the cable through. I guess it was faster than getting out the drill and an extension cord. Sadly, his wife was on the other side of the wall. The bullet hit her, and she died. The husband was not charged with a crime. The thinking was, I guess, that he wasn’t bright enough to have done that on purpose. Probably true. I know some folks who shot a snake with a pistol. Unfortunately, the snake was in their kitchen at the time. The bullet went through the snake, through the floor, and through a water line under their home. In movies, people shoot locks off doors, using pistols. Seems to me the bullet would ricochet off the lock and burrow into your neck. I admit it – I’m no expert on pistols. Truth is, I have never fired one in my life. You don’t have to be a gun expert, though, to know pistols were never meant to be used as power tools. Otherwise, they would come with rechargeable batteries.

American Idol

My wife and I love American Idol, consistently ranked the most watched show in the nation. I prefer the beginning of each season, when the truly horrible contestants are auditioning. My wife prefers the end of a season, when the cream of the crop has risen to the top. We are both amused by the folks that seem astounded when told they cannot sing. “What you mean I cain’t sang? Everbody knows I can sang. I sang in the church choir every week! I give lessins, learnin’ other folks how to sang!” An article I read awhile back says that many young adults in the 15-30 age bracket (AI contestant range) are part of the “empowerment generation.” Parental psychology then was to tell your precious child that everything he/she did was perfect, so as not to crush their little dreams or stifle their creativity. Piffle! A child’s crayon art can be praised and displayed on the side of the fridge, without suggesting it deserves a place in the Guggenheim. My two adult children are strong and self-sufficient, and neither one feels slighted for not being on American Idol. Empower that!

Hospital tricks

We all love shortcuts. Here are a few to try, the next time you have to go to a hospital’s emergency room. 1) At the check in desk, ask them how long the wait time will be. If it’s longer than having your house repainted, how bad do you really feel? 2) To get quicker service in an ER, come in through the back door instead of the front. Ambulances and helicopters trump everyone that drove up. Of course, that requires your being injured bad enough to require back door delivery. I can’t solve all your problems for you. 3) The words “chest pain” and “dizzy” will get you seen quicker. If they think you’re lying, though, they will put you in the back corner till you rot. 4) Don’t eat or drink anything while waiting to be seen. Tests have to be done when you are empty and dry. 5) Never specifically ask for pain medication, and never/ever ask for medicine of a particular type or strength. If you do, you’ll be labeled a “drug seeker,” and will still be in the waiting room when the housekeeper comes in the next morning to clean up. 6) Be patient, and don’t threaten the desk crew. Your life is in their hands – literally, and they know it. 7) Lastly, and this goes for places besides ER waiting rooms – If you push and hold the floor number button at the same time you are pushing the close door button, most elevators will close up and get under way immediately, leaving others running toward you with their arms flailing about. What fun!

Gizzard Man

I recently stood in line at the grocery store, waiting behind a red-faced man who was returning some fried chicken gizzards. He was livid about said gizzards, and was quite impatient with all the other customers who were wasting his time by buying postage stamps and money orders. I really thought he might have a stroke before his turn came up. When it did, he threw down the package and ranted about having paid for chicken LIVERS, and receiving GIZZARDS instead. “I can’t imagine anybody being so stupid,” he railed, “as to not know the difference between livers and gizzards!” I found myself thinking that anyone who eats either chicken livers or chicken gizzards probably doesn’t have the most discriminating palette, anyway. She refunded his purchase – I swear this is true – a whopping $1.05! As I stepped up next and tried to comfort her, Gizzard Man went up to another employee and starting ranting to him. Now picture this – this clown discovers the problem, turns off the COPS show he’s watching, climbs into his truck, drives clear back to store, smelling the offending fried chicken innards all the way there, to get back $1.05? He spent three times that in gas to just have something to complain about. Some people ought never to have been born. I think scripture says something like that.