Practical

My mother in law (bless her memory) used to ask us this time of year – “What did you get for Christmas that was practical?” She felt that Christmas was all about practicality – getting shoes, wallets, etc. For me, practicality is exactly what I don’t want for Christmas. Jesus got gold, frankincense, and myrrh – not a warm blankey. I got some new toys this year – not practical, but a lot of fun. I love toys (as noted in a previous post). And I got snow this year, too. Family, church, Christmas music, toys, and snow – that’s Christmas for me.

Snow

The weather guys say we might actually have snow for Christmas this year. That would be very cool, indeed. I like snow. Not crazy about ice, but I do like snow. I also like to get enough snow to make something with it. I quit making snowmen in college. Since then I’ve made a stegosaurus, turtle, dragon, and a kangaroo. (We don’t get a lot of snow here). This year, I’m thinking about a lighthouse – need a lot of snow for that. Global warming may flood New York, and dry up our food supply. That would be tragic. I would (also) miss playing in the snow.

WalMart

It’s classic to say WM is evil, and in many ways they are indeed the very spawn of Satan. They don’t offer their co-workers health insurance, for example, though they can certainly afford it. At this time of year, though, I’m gonna give them props. I shopped in several stores yesterday, and had to wait in long checkout lines for all of them – except WM. 1) They never have more than five folks in any line. 2) They don’t run out of stuff like other joints do. 3) They are always open. 4) They don’t have to “order” anything and wait two weeks for it. 5) They have it all – the Old West’s general store – on steroids. Love ‘em, hate ‘em – WM is America.

Popcorn

This is the time of year that cans of popcorn start appearing everywhere you look. Inside is a cardboard divider, separating the stuff into two or more flavor varieties. The good stuff (caramel, cinnamon, etc) gets eaten first, and the crap stuff (plain, butter) gets left until the good stuff is gone. Even then, the crap stuff often gets thrown out or given to the birds. Why don’t they just make tubs of all good stuff, and leave the crap stuff out?

88 Gluttony

I’m overweight, but it’s fall and almost winter. Who can actually lose weight this time of year? This is the season when food is the best – sugar, fat, carbs, and huge portions. Everywhere you go – home, work, friends – everyone has tons of good food. Besides, cold weather makes us kick into “hibernating bear mode” – put on a good fat layer to keep warm till spring. January will be here soon enough, and we will all break out the resolutions and gym memberships again. Till then, let’s be a little forgiving.

TG

This column started as my place for angry rants. But, I don’t spend a lot of time in rant mode. This one will be just plain sappy. Thanksgiving is this week, and I am a truly thankful guy. I have a pretty and fun wife, and two gorgeous adult children who are happy and high-functioning. I am in the nicest house I’ve ever lived in. I drive a zippy car that is practically new, and is about 2/3 paid for. I have a sweet dog who is practically silent, and a fat kitty who likes to sit on my lap. I have never been unemployed longer than one month in the last 37 years. I enjoy my job, and am paid well for doing it. I have all the toys I like, and have trouble thinking of gifts I either want or need. I am, as they say, truly blessed. TG = 1) thank God, and 2) Thanksgiving.

Leaves

I have a love-hate relationship with leaves. Here in the Ozarks, fall is gorgeous due to color-changing leaves. People who drive to New England to see that waste their time and money. But leaves also cover up my grass in the fall. So -- I’m supposed to rake them --- a job I truly dislike. Most often I just mow them, hoping the beast will grind them up small enough to make it look O.K. Our dog, though, has discovered the joy of a backyard full of leaves. She hasn’t done it in previous years, but this year the leaves have awakened her inner puppy. She runs out to whiz, gets distracted by the leaves, flops down in them and rolls around, sticks her legs straight up in the air, and looks over her shoulder as if to say “Daddy – life is sweet!” Part of having kids is they remind you of the simple things in life. With our dog, and our leaves, part of an old joy returns.

Halloween

I’m tired of people telling me how I should feel about Halloween. A woman recently confided “God has revealed to me that Halloween is Sutonic!” Really? Did it have anything to do with you being illiterate? I don’t like the dark stuff, either. I can do without the drunks – the guy dressed as a drunken slug who urinated on the sidewalk, as it pooled by my feet. But those folks are around all the time, not just this one night a year. It’s not my favorite holiday, but it IS fun to see an otherwise responsible adult dressed up like a goth Stegosaurus. And -- I get to eat mounds of chocolate that I would otherwise feel guilty about. Let it ride

Pride
CS Lewis said that pride is the basis of all human sin – ALL human sin. Don’t know if he’s right or not, but old CSL rarely gets it wrong. Very closely connected to pride is egotism. A startling example of egotism, in my opinion, is the news item that America slammed a satellite into the moon Friday morning. The problem is not only that the bullet cost us $79 million bucks (which it did). Nor is the problem only that we did it to see if ice and water would fly up to be photographed (it didn’t). No, the real problem is that the moon is not ours to slam crap into. The moon doesn’t belong to America, nor to the earth for that matter. The moon is – the moon – not something to experiment with. Don’t get me wrong – I’m NASA’s biggest fan. I think exploration is worth what it costs. I still get misty eyed when rockets successfully launch, and shuttles make it successfully home. But slamming crap into the moon, and leaving our junk on the surface or floating around in space, just because we can – that is pure hubris. CSL would be ashamed, and I am too.

Winter prep
I really don’t like prepping for winter. It means all the stuff I like is dying for a few months. Disconnecting garden hoses, draining our fountains, cutting the flowers back, scalping the lawn, checking antifreeze levels, draining the mower, etc – it all depresses me. At this time of year, I envy you folks that live where no prep is needed. You all just go on with your merry lives, oblivious of the fact that winter is coming. The only benefit I can think of, when it comes to me versus you, is that I might get to build a stegosaurus out of snow this winter. Try doing that with your sand, you endless-summer clowns!

Cavemen
A recent issue of Men’s Health magazine devoted 15 pages to “eating a whole pig . . . everything but the squeak.” The rest of the year, MH warns guys about eating too much fat, salt, grease, and calories. The truth – we were meant to eat like cavemen. We have teeth especially for tearing and grinding, our guts can process meats efficiently, and we need protein – but beans get tiresome. Let the radicals say what they will – we are cavemen, just wearing better clothes.

Public option
Health care money covers my car payments – I can’t be objective about this issue. I can, though, report what I see. Thousands of people who are uninsured and underinsured are treated “for free.” The doctors get paid. The nurses get paid. The medicine bill gets paid. I get paid. Who pays all these folks? You and I do – NOW – the public already pays for these folks, with higher insurance and hospital fees. So, if everyone was insured by somebody, the cost for all of us could possibly go down – all the folks in my hospital who are getting paid, would be reimbursed. I’m simple, but that's pretty simple to me!

Unplugged
I spent a big part of the last ten days unplugged – no phone calls, no cell phone possible, no internet, no email, no local or national news. The classic thing is to say I loved it, and it was wonderful. That’s a lie. Being unplugged is very unsettling, at least for me. I had no idea if my kids were OK, if our pets were safe, if my house was still standing, or if the country was in turmoil. Being unplugged from stuff you DON’T like is great, but when it comes to the stuff you DO care about, it’s hard on the mind and soul. Being unplugged, though, sure didn’t keep me from having a great time.

Manly men
I have no patience for men in their 40s – 70s who “don’t go to no hospitals, and don’t trust none of them doctors.” Maybe that’s why you’re dying now, huh buddy? These morons wouldn’t miss an oil change on their 4x4s, and probably tune up their own lawn mowers, but preventive maintenance on the most intricate machine they have (their body)? Of course not! I don’t say it, but I’m thinking “Nobody drug you in here this time either, buddy – go ask your buddies at the bar about your chest pain, and bleeding from your ears!” I mean, really!

Lists
All of us have at least a touch of OCD. Mine is manifested by lists – I love making them, following them, and marking them off as I go. Without a list, I’m listless (pun intended) and anxious. How will I know if I’ve forgotten something, without a list? If I have the day off tomorrow, I’ll sleep better tonight if I have a list waiting for me in the morning. Even if the list is nothing but: 1) relax, and 2) write, it helps –a reminder when I wake up that there are no pressing events first thing makes me happy. My happy light goes on when I am able to flip a completed list into the trash. I’m not manic about this, of course. With only one or two items, I won’t start a list. Once I have three, though, life gets sweeter. I have my list.

Toys
Women love shoes, my woman tells me, because they always fit. No matter how much weight you gain or lose, your shoes always look good. Guys don’t care as much about clothes and shoes. We can go through the Taco Bell drive-through wearing just our underpants, and feel comfortable doing it. For guys, it’s the toys. Here’s my top ten toys, in increasing order of how happy they make me: 10) cell phone, 9) air compressor, 8) GPS, 7) all my cameras, 6) my TV/DVR/CD/DVD system, 5) kitchen aid knife set and stand mixer, 4) giant bicycle, 3) Honda Fit, 2) ASUS netbook, and 1) the big computer. I could Amish, if it wasn’t for all my toys.

Whatsa Covet?
We didn’t know what they were, but most houses in our ‘hood had one in their yard. First, we were curious. Then we wondered what they had that we didn’t. Then we wanted one, because apparently folks should have one. Then it made us angry -- they had one, and we didn’t. Now we have one of our very own – a Japanese beetle trap. When the neighbors put empty boxes out for the trash, and we see they have a new TV or fun toy, it starts again. But then I remember that pesky line in the Ten Commandments . . .

Done well
I’m in that small category of straight men who don’t watch a lot of sports. I was never very good at them, and the years have not made me any quicker. I ride my bike and play tennis, and that’s about it. I’m impressed, though, by those who know how to play, and play well. To watch the Williams sisters hammer away at the recent Wimbledon match was a wonder. They don’t play like I do. They slam each ball as hard as they can (117mph serves!), grunting or yelling with each hit. And they do that in the heat for 2-3 hours, and don't pass out! I used to say I played tennis like a woman, but one of my opponents said, “No Ken – most women play better than you do.” Sadly, it’s true. I love to play, but I’m no Williams sister. Guess it’s good there’s only room in the world for two of them.

Fireworks
There’s probably nothing more financially inefficient than fireworks. How else can you blow $100 in less than an hour, and have absolutely nothing left to show for it? With food and drink, you at least feel full and satisfied. With fireworks, you’re left wanting even more – oh, is it over already? That’s part of the reason why I love them so much. With fireworks, I have great memories instead –my grandmother getting buzzed by a bottle rocket, our driveway catching on fire, the unexpected sonic boom of the scudbuster shell that rocked our ‘hood, the slug that landed in my mouth, the folks who laugh uncontrollably when one goes bad. Fireworks – inefficient – wonderful. I love them!

Flying
I love to fly. I’m not real crazy, though, about my fellow flying travelers. What’s behind the push to get on the plane? Why jostle others out of the way, to get a better spot in line? Will this improve your assigned seating position? Will the plane leave earlier, if you get on faster? When it’s time to get off the plane, what’s the point of standing up and clogging the aisle for ten minutes? Does standing in the aisle get you out of the gate thirty seconds faster? Why do I need your rear in my face while we are waiting? What happened to letting old folks and families with children get on and off first? Folks who say civility is circling the drain aren’t whining – they are right!

As seen on TV
I live in MO, the “show me state.” Residents of my state are supposed to disbelieve everything until it is shown to be true. But I didn’t grow up in MO. I’m pretty gullible, and normally believe stuff until it is shown to NOT be true. Why would anyone want to lie to me? I bought one of the upside-down tomato planters, and it is doing great. I can’t explain it, but it works. The plant is high in the air, above all the bugs and fungus that like to eat tomatoes. So, I’m sold. All you “negative nancies” out there that question everything you hear – go take a leap! I’ll be eating my tomatoes.

Treat yourself
My daughter told me years ago, quite accurately, that I have trouble “treating myself” to things I want. It’s not that I feel unworthy, it’s just that my default setting is to take care of other people’s needs before my own. Part of that is my upbringing, part of it is a religious thing, and part is that I honestly don’t think I have a selfish bone in my body. But I bought myself a treat a couple weeks ago – a small “netbook” computer. I don’t really need one, I just wanted one. If I had actually needed it, I wouldn’t have had the struggle justifying the expense. The thing is my father’s day / birthday gift though, so it’s OK. My new toy is a real peach, and my daughter is right. Sometimes it is very nice to treat yourself.

Travel
We are – let’s be honest, pretty fortunate folks. We have stuff and opportunities available to us that others do not. To me, the ability to travel is incredible. I hope I never get used to it, never assume that it’s my right to be able to. After reaching the age of 50 and never having gone to Florida, I’m going twice in one year. This fall I hope to go to the Western Caribbean. My kids have been in Europe, Hawaii, and elsewhere. Though I don’t remember it all, as a child my family traveled to most of the “lower 48.” I love my home and my job, but I also love getting away from both. Whenever you think you’re broke, think about where you’ve been able to go and what you’ve been able to see. I think that’s terrific.

Litter
I never, ever throw trash out the window of my car – but I do throw banana peels. They rot and are gone very quickly, squirrels and ants like to eat them, and I don’t want them smelling up my car. In my opinion, banana peels are not litter. My wife disagrees, and the law might as well. Today, the law (or karma) won. I slung a peel out the passenger window with unusual force, attempting to make it land neatly in the grass beside the road. But I had rolled down the rear window instead of the front one. The peel splatted loudly against the glass, and slowly slid down the window – leaving banana meat all over my freshly scrubbed glass. Now I’m angry, and the law won.

Tanning
Any day now, we’ll start hearing – again! – that the sun is bad for us, and we should wear sunscreen all the time. These sun-haters must think we have very short memories. I don’t want skin cancer, either, but let’s be honest and admit that tanned people – almost any and all tanned people – look better that folks who aren’t. Tanned fat looks better than bleachy white fat. A salon here has a new angle – tanning gives you Vitamin D, to make you healthy! If God had wanted me white, I would have been born that way. No, wait . . .

Insomnia
Overheard a conversation today -- A guy said, “I didn’t sleep at all last night!” Having heard that from folks most my life, my response is “horse feathers!” I just never believe it. You may not sleep restfully, or you may wake up a lot, but not sleeping at all – all night – impossible! I simply do not believe it. When my own family members have said that, my response has been “Well, you were certainly asleep at 3am, because you were snoring then!” (Disclaimer – this has NOTHING to do with my wife – she sleeps like the dead). I rarely have insomnia, so I’m not overly sympathetic. But not at all? None? I don’t think so!

A terrible thing to waste
I met a woman this week with a fascinating story. Both she and her husband (she said) had identical twins, separated at birth, though they had never met. Further, her and her husband were switched at birth, so they couldn’t be sure who their parents were. Her twin was stalking her husband, while his twin was stalking her. She was sure this was true, because they had “seen the twins around town” several times. Her husband was sitting next to her, and agreed that the whole thing was true. I asked her what was on the paper she was holding. It was for the doctor, she said, and handed it to me. On the paper, again and again, was written the phrase “I don’t need psych meds.” I’m looking around for my twin.

Thirty days
A friend has recently been challenging me with the theme “30 days to live.” Aside from what the country-western song suggests I would not spend the time skydiving, mountain climbing, or riding bulls. I would probably keep working, for I find it therapeutic. I would go to the gym less, but ride my bike more. I would eat more nachos, cheeseburgers, and cheesecake. I would spend more time with all my relatives, and let them know how much they mean to me. I would finish my will, and my power of attorney paperwork. And I would show my family where all the stuff I have written is, in case they want to read it someday. How’s about you?

Pride
In the last three years I have ridden my bike 3,000 miles and have never fallen once. I have been quite proud of that. Then I fell two days ago. Scripture says that pride goes before a fall, and in my case that is literally true. Catholics have always listed pride as one of the seven deadly sins. CS Lewis says that pride is the source of all – not some, but all – human failing. I’m scratched up, scuffed up, and I still ache 48 hours later. Mostly, though, it hurt my pride. My pride is probably the part that will heal the slowest. Lesson learned.

The gym
To postpone the day of my death, I do two types of exercise – strength training (the gym), and aerobics (my bike). I like riding my bike, but most days I would rather stay home and eat cheesecake. I really don’t like the gym at all, but they tell me it’s important. My incentive (see previous blog post) is the old men who can do twice what I can. It hurts when I have to lower the weight some old guy used, to use the machine myself. It also hurts when an old guy on a bike smokes past me like I’m sitting still. We won’t even talk about how I feel when an old woman leaves me in the dust. Someday, though, I hope to be that old man that outdoes the young guy next to me. I won’t gloat in front of him, but I’ll grin as I walk away.

Carwash
In my college dorm and apartment years, I always hated going to the carwash. “I can’t wait,” I thought, “for a real house. Then I’ll wash my car by hand, with a hose and a bucket, the old fashioned way.” The idea sounded romantic and I visualized saving water, money, and time. Now I live in a house, and I always use the car wash down the street. The sign says, “Three bucks – Three minutes – Clean Car.” Hard to argue with that. The signs inside get to me, as well. “We recycle 70% of our water and chemicals,” they claim. I can’t do that at home. I don’t spray my shoes, clothes, and face with soapy water anymore. And, on the way out, there is a huge mirror as my car rolls through the blow dryer. My dog and I grin at our reflections in the mirror as we leave. Can’t do that at home. I’m sold!

Responsibility
I sold a car over five years ago, and I’m still fighting the stupid thing. Yesterday was the fourth phone call, with the current owner needing me to waste an hour of my time to get a document notarized. This all happened because I left the license plate on the car when I sold it. I trusted the original buyer to register it right away, get new plates, and get my name off the record. I assumed he would be responsible, and do the right / legal thing. A couple months ago I got a call about another call I sold TEN years ago! Because I’m responsible, I expect others to be as well. I know I’m getting old and cranky, but some folks should just be slapped. Hard. Shakespeare out.

Got nuthin’
It is astoundingly rare for me to have nothing to say. My wife was first attracted to me in our college years because, while she was quiet and shy, I almost always had something to say. Now, a lot of the time, she wishes I would just be quiet. Not an easy thing for me to be quiet. Our dog is almost totally silent – one reason we like her so much. When my wife and I compare notes at the end of the day, she often says “Got nuthin” – which means no news worth mentioning. This week, it’s me. Just not feeling very creative right now – got nuthin’. Will hope for some kind of muse to fly by next week, I guess.

Dollar Store
I got hooked when I was younger and poorer, and now it’s hard to shake the habit. My wife goes to the shoe store, and I walk across the parking lot to the dollar store. Bargains galore – cheap tools, kitchen gadgets, snack foods, seasonal merchandise, tech stuff, etc. Some of the customers look broke, but most of them look a lot like me. Finding cheap treasures can be fun. Still, though, there are some things you should never buy at a dollar store. Underwear, pregnancy tests, saline drops for your eyes, candy from unheard of countries – these items seem very suspect to me. Who was surprised last year when Chinese toothpaste from dollar stores was found to be tainted? Come on people – even bargain-hunting has its limits!

Fail
My father was a pastor, and he often quoted scripture as saying “Rejoice not in another’s tribulation.” My interpretation is that means “don’t laugh at someone who is already down.” Good advice, and good psychology, but not always easy to heed. The sad fact is – it’s often funny, sometimes very funny, when people screw up. The websites devoted to “fails,” “dumbest criminals,” and “Darwin awards” are pretty riotous stuff. Having said that, I hope I never make any of those websites or lists. We all do stupid stuff, and I have committed some real doozies. Fortunately, no one was there to record the event. So, we live to give it another try. Life is good!

Incentive
Tim is ten years younger than I am, but he’s dying. An alcoholic for years, he has lost everything important to him – wife, kids, job, and home. Tim says he doesn’t want to die, but he has no incentive to keep living. Very sad. Three years ago, I bought a bicycle for incentive to get in shape. I’ve now ridden it over 3,000 miles. My wife just bought an expensive bike, to give her incentive to ride and lose weight. This summer we hope to take an anniversary cruise, so we now have an incentive to “get hot” (my wife’s words) before summer. Without incentive, life would be a very dreary existence. There are lots of great incentives in my life. How about yours?

Dishwasher king
I am, quite simply, the dishwasher king. Nobody can get as much stuff into a dishwasher – and it all comes out clean. It offends me to leave anything on the counter, so I will move stuff around until every last cup and spoon is crammed in there somewhere. I was quite proud of this until recently, when I visited my parents in Texas. Mom and I were loading her dishwasher, and she said “I’ll finish it up – nobody can get as much stuff into a dishwasher as I can!” Up to that point, I never knew I had inherited such a fabulous skill. I guess it is true that we eventually all turn into our parents. It’s nice then, to have parents worth following.

Genderless bathrooms
Sometime in the last ten years or so, it seems, the National Bathroom Association met and decided to spring the idea of genderless bathrooms on the public. Up to that point, there were always men’s bathrooms, and women’s bathrooms. If your version was occupied, you had to wait. Now you don’t. Amazing! As a kid, the idea of my using the girl’s bathroom was reprehensible. One of my friends told me with a quiver in his voice, “I went in there – and no one caught me!” Why all the decades of fuss? After all, the hardware in both is essentially the same. Must be the same folks that demanded bathrooms and water fountains had to be either for black folks, or for white ones. Pretty stupid, huh?

Minions
I’ve rediscovered a word that I’m crazy about, and here are some examples of its use:
1) Hell is reserved for the devil and his minions. 2)The IRS and its minions squeezed the last penny from the starving widow. 3)My boss and her minions forced me out of the job I had worked so hard for. 4)The boutique owner and her minions bought out everyone else in the city. Now and then a word comes along that “drips with invective,” and is self-explanatory. You can hear the sneer that goes with the word minions. Use it well, with my compliments.

Two week cat

Our cat lives in 2 week increments. For two weeks, she will sleep in one spot and ignore all others. If you pick her up and deposit her somewhere else, she will return to it as soon as you leave the room. At the end of two weeks, she has no interest in being there anymore. You can put her there, and before jumping down and walking away she will look at you like, “And what makes you think I would want to sleep there?” Our dog has two favorite spots, and she never sleeps anywhere else. It is inconceivable to me that Egyptians once thought of cats as sacred.

16 minutes
I normally write one blog entry per week, but then I came across this today -- the sound clip of MLK's entire "I have a dream" speech. Like you, I thought I knew this. I have quoted it. I have read and reread it. I have preached from it. I thought I knew it. I was wrong. What I remember compromises only about 20% of this fabulous oration. I love television, but sometimes after watching an hour or two I feel like I have lost a small chunk of my life that I can never get back. Listening to this makes me feel like I have added an hour to my life. I hope you can take the time to listen, too. And the pundits are wrong, by the way. Everyone calls this a speech, but it's really a sermon. Quite possibly one of the best ever preached. Listen to it, and see if you don't agree. http://video.yahoo.com/network/100000054?v=100768&l=3434132

Dr Pepper
I’ve been drinking Dr Pepper for over thirty years, but the best one I ever tasted was three weeks ago in Waco, TX. My son and I visited the Dr Pepper museum there, and they had a real old-fashioned soda fountain. First, the girl put four big squirts of syrup in the cup, then a bunch of crushed ice, then filled the cup up with sparkling water, then pushed the magic handle backwards to shoot in some extra fizz, and polished it all off with a micro-squirt of more syrup. It was sweet, dark, sticky, and overly fizzy – delicious – a word not normally associated with pop. Because I’m older and fatter, I normally drink the diet stuff these days. That fountain drink was fabulous, though, and a simple pleasure. Life is good.

Walking the dog

Our dog absolutely loves to go for walks in the woods. She walks, runs, leaps, dives, and races down paths and between trees. While in the woods, her face shows a happiness that comes as close to joy as I think a dog can experience. Sometimes I really don’t feel like walking the dog. I’m too tired, too bored, or too busy. But then the memory of that happy face comes back to haunt me. She has so little joy in her life, really – walks, rides, and snacks. That’s about it. On the other hand, there is so much in my life that brings me pleasure and joy. It is hard to deny your dog such a simple pleasure. And, that is what we signed up for when we got a dog, right? Otherwise, a stuffed animal would do the trick. Go walk your dog!

Kiddy Snacks
I have rediscovered the joy of a childhood snack. I now eat 3-4 servings of Cracker Jack per week. It is cheap, tasty, crunchy, filling, low calories, and has no fat or cholesterol. The waxy macaroni and cheese box that was practically impenetrable has been replaced by a thin fritos-style pouch. The prizes stink, though – usually a folded up drawing of Abraham Lincoln. They tell me the prizes used to be things like tiny metal cars. Probably less toxic to have a picture of dead presidents. I miss other kiddy snacks, though – candy orange slices, circus peanuts, liquid filled wax bottles, that sour powdery stuff in paper straws, grape and orange Nehi in glass bottles, and banana flavored ice cream bars. These things are still around, but I’m trying to act my age. With Cracker Jack, I still get to be a kid. Sweet!