Umbrellas
I rarely use umbrellas. I think their main value is for women and the English. If I had to walk for hours in the rain, as the English do, it would make sense. When I am darting from the car to the store, it doesn't. I won't melt. Women's hair, I am told, does indeed melt when it gets wet. They spend hours doing their hair and make-up, and a good rainstorm kills both. Van Morrison sang, "All the girls walk by dressed up for each other -- While the boys do the boogie-woogie out in the street." Rain doesn't hurt real men. It's just water, right? In a few minutes it will evaporate. So if you aren't English, or female, and if your race through the storm is less than thirty seconds long -- be a man, and leave the umbrella in the car.

Family
This is the time of year when we think more about, and spend more time with, our families. If you have a good family, that’s nice. If you don’t, that can be tough. Working in a hospital, I see lots of different kinds of families. Some families are very close, and easy to work with. Other families are so close, that we have to call security to escort them out of the building. I grew up thinking my birth family was a pretty average one. In college I discovered that my family was, instead, very unique and special. Most families didn’t have what mine did. My wife and I have tried to make our own family a special one, too. Most of the times, it seems we did a pretty decent job of it. I thank God for my (two) normal families, and hope you have one, too. Merry Christmas!

Hotels
How a hotel sets fees for lodging and amenities is a mystery to me. Last weekend, I stayed in a very nice hotel. It only cost $50 bucks but included – indoor heated pool and whirlpool, a reception with free drinks and snacks in the evening, a constantly on popcorn popper, a pop dispenser available 24/7, free in room wireless internet, free (real) hot breakfast in the morning, and a really nice room. I have stayed in the same city, paid $20-30 more for a room, received almost no amenities, and had to pay an extra $10-20 a night for parking. It seems like the higher the room, the less fun you receive. What’s up with that? Would you buy a car that came with less stuff, as you spent more? Preposterous! Explain, please.

Smallerized
I think it is cool when traditionally large things get smallerized. The Hummer H3 is a ridiculous car that was shrunk to be slightly less offensive. I can’t fit in one, but Mini Coopers are cool. My Honda Fit is essentially a minivan that has been shrunk by half. Cars aren’t all, either. I like my phone book that is one-third the size of others. I enjoy eating M&M minis. On Jurassic Park, they created an elephant the size of a mouse – wouldn’t that be a cool pet? My wife has a pen that is about half the regular size. New half-sized laptops, called netbooks, are available. OK, I’m easily entertained – by halves.

Conspiracy!
I have no use or patience for conspiracy theorists. Their biggest assumption is this or that group huddles together on a regular basis to make sweeping decisions for the rest of us. Let me elaborate. Cancer doctors do NOT assemble to squash cures and keep cancer going, so they can be rich. Media folks do NOT assemble and spin the news so they all come to the same conclusion. Oil producers do NOT assemble to buy out or kill folks that are designing ultra-fuel-efficient cars. Christians do NOT gather and plan ways to monopolize the government. Liberals do NOT gather and scheme about tearing family values away from conservatives. Muslims do NOT (ALL) huddle and plan to kill the citizens of the U.S. There are at least two terms for those who believe in such gatherings – paranoia and schizophrenia. Therapy and medication is available for both.